FAMILY ROLES
THE
SCAPEGOAT.
When a family needs someone to carry the blame, one person can become the explanation for everything that goes wrong.
WHEN THE BLAME
LANDS ON YOU.
When blame repeatedly lands on one person, it can become the explanation a family returns to whenever something goes wrong.
A disagreement, a difficult feeling or a problem between other family members may be redirected towards you. Attention shifts from what happened to your behaviour, your reaction or your willingness to accept responsibility.
Over time, this can make the assigned role difficult to question. Speaking up may be treated as another problem, while accepting the blame leaves the original issue unresolved.
Being held responsible does not, by itself, mean you caused what happened. Understanding the pattern begins with looking at how responsibility is assigned — and whose actions receive less attention.
WHAT IT CAN FEEL LIKE
YOU START TO
EXPECT THE BLAME.
Someone’s tone changes, and before they’ve said a word, you’re already wondering what you did.
You run through the conversation in your head. Was it something you said? Should you explain yourself, or will that make things worse? Sometimes you apologise just to bring the room back to calm.
When you’ve often been treated as the reason things went wrong, looking for your part in everything can become a habit. It can stay with you even when the people around you have changed.
THE BLAME ARRIVES FIRST.
You may find yourself defending your intentions before anyone has asked what happened.
TRUTH FEELS RISKY.
Naming a problem may bring more attention to your reaction than to the problem itself.
BOUNDARIES BECOME EVIDENCE.
Saying no can be presented as proof that you are difficult or ungrateful.
DOUBT FOLLOWS YOU.
Even away from the family, you may still wonder whether everything really was your fault.
A DIFFERENT UNDERSTANDING
THEIR VERSION OF YOU
ISN’T THE WHOLE STORY.
You might know, in your head, that not everything was your fault. Believing it can take longer.
When you’ve spent a long time being blamed, even a small mistake can feel like proof that they were right. It can take time to notice that feeling and hear your own account of what happened. You don’t have to have every answer now. Making room for your side of the story is a different place to begin.
A MOMENT TO REFLECT
WHAT STAYS WITH YOU?
Sometimes you can leave a family role before it stops shaping how you feel.
An unanswered message, a change in someone’s tone or a mistake at work might still send you searching for what you did wrong. As you read the questions below, notice what feels familiar.
THE APOLOGY COMES FIRST.
What do you still apologise for, even when you’re unsure you did anything wrong?
THE ROOM IS YOURS TO FIX.
When someone is upset, do you feel responsible for making it better?
THEIR VOICE STAYS WITH YOU.
Whose version of you do you hear when you doubt yourself?
ROOM TO THINK
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORK IT OUT ALONE.
You might recognise the pattern and still feel unsure what to do when it happens again.
A session with Sophie and Gaz gives you space to talk through one situation, one boundary or one decision at your own pace. You can start wherever it makes sense to you.
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